Now, it is yet another October 5 without my son. But that's okay because I know he's in a happier place. Still I'd like to take this opportunity to repost n entry I had in my multiply site to celebrate Matthew Angelo's 'supposed-to-be' 4th birthday.
Before I had my family now, I had a very dark past that when I think about it, I'm soo glad I've
recovered from that stage in my life. In that very dark past came a son, my first born.
That time, I was not happy for a lot of reasons that I'd rather not discuss here. I don't want to
blame anyone or anything because I still believe that whatever happened in my life, it has alwaysbeen me who's responsible. But when I was almost about to throw my life away, I bore a baby boy. I decided to name him Matthew Angelo a few months before his birth date. I was hearing mass that time and the gospel came from Matthew, and "Matthew" had been the name for the pilot section of my High School, which happened to be the section I was in. Angelo meant angel.
Around 10:00 in the evening of October 4, 2005, I felt a little pain in my lower back. I have high
tolerance to pain so it was only the next day that I realized that it was already signs of labor. Ataround 3:00 in the afternoon of October 5, 2005, I gave birth to a premature baby boy (8 months) with gastroschisis!
Gastroschisis is a congenital abnormality wherein the intestines of an infant is coming out of a cavity inhis stomach. In the US, this is not a very serious case. But here in the Philippines, I don't know how many babies survived, if there were any.
An operation had to be done on Matthew 3 hours after coming out of me to push in as much intestine as the doctors can while he hadn't breathed that much air yet. My family decided to have the baby baptized just in case he doesn't make it. For some reason, Matthew went through the operation for about a couple of days! Every single day I prayed that the Lord spare my little one. He went from being unstable to stable and back again in a matter of minutes, so I was advised to ready myself whatever happens.
Days turned into a month...and for someone who doesn't have work and is not really that rich, that month is the longest month I have ever experienced. The hospital charges around 20,000
daily just for the equipment my baby uses...incubator, oxygen, NICU space, etc. And
just a couple of days after he was born, the hospital informed us that the medicines as well as
laboratory tests proposed for him will not be given unless we pay cash! And the hospital charges around 10,000 a day for these. I cannot let my baby down so I went from friend to friend to borrow money just to support him for one day, hoping I can do the same thing the following day. And just in case I decide to work, where in the world will I get 20,000 a day??? And who will take care of errands for my son? (The father just went to hell!). It was during these times when I would never waste a single centavo because it might add up to any amount I may need for my angel.
Those were also the times when I felt that God is really near, sending me angels when I needed them. Strangers would give us (me and my mother) free rides to the nearest stop to our home...I almost bled to death because of post partum stress when a taxi driver brought me to the nearest hospital, counter flowing traffic...Nurses at the private hospital would use a few stuff on Matthew and never placed them on the ledger...I knew it was God still helping me out even though the whole story was supposed to be my lesson.
But still, there are people who balance the kindness in the world with lack of care. We plead the hospital management to just give him everything he needs and add the amount to our bill, but they only allowed it for a couple of days until we can find a public hospital to move my baby into. I didn't know the pros and cons then, all I could think of was that my baby needed medicines and lab tests that time and I ran out of friends to borrow from. So, I agreed to move him to PGH.
At first, I thought, since it is PGH, the medicines will be a lot cheaper and they would give it to him no matter what. I also thought that they would use any equipment that would support him until such time that all of his intestines had been returned to his tummy...but I was wrong. Since PGH is still a public hospital, no matter how good the doctors are, they lack equipment and medicines. So even though they'd be glad to support my baby, they can't. We ended up renting some equipment from 3rd party and buying the medicines from the nearest and cheapest drug store. In less than 48 hours of being unstable after being moved from the private hospital to PGH, my Matthew did not make it anymore. He diedof Bradycardia. They said that his heart kept on stopping its beating because one of his veins is obstructed by fungi that formed on the needle of his IV. They told me that the IV they planted on his neck is normally replaced after 2 weeks..and he used it for 1 month and 5 days. THEY DID NOT TELL US THAT BEFORE!!! They even asked me, prior to his death, to buy anti-fungal that cost 10,000 to remove the fungi and it was worthless!!!
Then I met my husband and the rest is another blog! Haha! All I know is, that phase in my life was God's way of letting me know that He sees everything and does something about it. Why would He even bother coming up with a good trial if He doesn't care about your life right? And when my Matthew left me, He didn't take him. I read in a book once that God doesn't take life away, he receives them. God just gave me and Matthew a better option rather than staying in that quality of life. Now I have a new daughter and a complete family! I know Matthew is happy about his sister and his new dad. And whatever comes my way, I'm already in the right track!
The amount we used for his service and cremation came from friends and family members. I paid the hospital balance through constantly lining up at PCSO and ask for money from them. I even lined up at WOWOWEE to take my chances in one of their games! (They didn't pick me though...) I worked at a call center for one whole year and almost all of my pay went to debts. It was just so kind of my real friends that they never rushed me on paying them.(Thanks guys! I owe you a lot!) I grew very thin working too much overtime with very little food and relax time. (Well, at least I got "sexy back" after having a baby...)
***Now that everything's being uploaded on facebook and more people can read my posts, all I can say is this: For some, I just hope you have a really deep sense of understanding not to look down on me just because I messed up a few years back. I am a good child and person who is trying my utmost best to be a good mother to Ella and a wife to Drew. I hope everyone agrees with me that my whole being is not measured by the number of mistakes I've done in the past. Cheers and get to know me well please!
Happy birthday anak!