A Mother's Love

My mom and I never had a chance to be close. She was almost always abroad for work and my siblings and I were left with relatives. I was bitter growing up because I felt like I never received the support I was entitled to from her. I took pride in the belief that I've always managed to pull myself through difficult situations with very little to no help from her, but it only made the bitterness in my heart greater. At one difficult phase in my life, I even sent her an email questioning why she always helped my siblings more. She responded by telling me that each of us siblings is different and asked if I'd rather be in their shoes to be able to receive the kind of attention and support she was giving them. I didn't take it very well but shrugged it off because that's the kind of person I am.

Lately, I've been running out of funds and knowing that my mom "seems" to be doing well in her clothes business as well as her full-time work, I catch myself borrowing money from her every now and then. Yesterday, our FB conversation goes:

Mom: Magkano mo bibigay sa akin ang bride at mother of the bride hair and make-up. Balak kong i-offer kasama ng package para madagdagan ang pictures mo sa The Face is My Canvas.

Me: Wow. Thanks! Saan ba muna ang wedding? 1k per person ako, so kung bride and mother-of-bride, 2k un sa regular. Ikaw na bahala kung magkano bigay mo sakin.

Then I realized something about the chilli garlic I'm reselling for my brother:

Me: 30 bottles na pala oorderin kay kuya
na chilli. Narealize ko ako pala ang lugi pag madami na ang binili.
Kasi ibig sabihin, ibibigay ko cia ng (distributor price) per bottle (as opposed to my retail price), pero ako ang kukuha kay kuya ng lahat ng 30 bottles na un at ako pa magdedeliver.

Mom: Sige okay lang bawi ka na lang sa iba. 2k na babayaran ko sa iyo. May buffer naman ako sa package price.

Me: Yey! Wag mo nalang ako bayaran. Wala nalang akong utang sayo. (Roughly 1.9K)

Mom: Sige na nga.

Then I finally understood her response to my email years ago. I realized, also because of recent events, how different me and my siblings are: our personalities, our struggles, our thresholds... and that I should NEVER even think about comparing myself to them because our mom is tailor-fitting herself for us but loves each of us just as much.

I realized that the only reason I thought I didn't get the help I needed was because I was too arrogant to ask. That asking her to quit working so she could take care of my kids was a selfish act because not only will it hinder her from pursuing her personal dreams, but it will also prevent her from earning her own money that she'd use for enjoying life and supporting her loved ones.

I guess I'm having this epiphany also because it's the same way I am with my kids and I didn't realize it for the longest time. I leave Isabella to sleep on her own because Serene needs me to nurse. I leave Isabella to play on her own because Isabella and I had our time and it's Serene's turn now. I leave Isabella alone most of the time because Serene needs me more now. I help Serene proactively because she can't usually verbalize what she needs while I'm confident that Isabella can and she should if she really needs something. It's all the same with my mom and siblings, just not the same difficult situations yet but it'll get there someday.

Mi, I'd like to let you know that I understand you completely now and I appreciate you now more than ever. I'm sorry if I've said or done anything that has hurt you or offended your motherhood. I pray that God continue to bless you with good health and provision. Love you.

your every woman,