A Mother's Love

My mom and I never had a chance to be close. She was almost always abroad for work and my siblings and I were left with relatives. I was bitter growing up because I felt like I never received the support I was entitled to from her. I took pride in the belief that I've always managed to pull myself through difficult situations with very little to no help from her, but it only made the bitterness in my heart greater. At one difficult phase in my life, I even sent her an email questioning why she always helped my siblings more. She responded by telling me that each of us siblings is different and asked if I'd rather be in their shoes to be able to receive the kind of attention and support she was giving them. I didn't take it very well but shrugged it off because that's the kind of person I am.

Lately, I've been running out of funds and knowing that my mom "seems" to be doing well in her clothes business as well as her full-time work, I catch myself borrowing money from her every now and then. Yesterday, our FB conversation goes:

Mom: Magkano mo bibigay sa akin ang bride at mother of the bride hair and make-up. Balak kong i-offer kasama ng package para madagdagan ang pictures mo sa The Face is My Canvas.

Me: Wow. Thanks! Saan ba muna ang wedding? 1k per person ako, so kung bride and mother-of-bride, 2k un sa regular. Ikaw na bahala kung magkano bigay mo sakin.

Then I realized something about the chilli garlic I'm reselling for my brother:

Me: 30 bottles na pala oorderin kay kuya
na chilli. Narealize ko ako pala ang lugi pag madami na ang binili.
Kasi ibig sabihin, ibibigay ko cia ng (distributor price) per bottle (as opposed to my retail price), pero ako ang kukuha kay kuya ng lahat ng 30 bottles na un at ako pa magdedeliver.

Mom: Sige okay lang bawi ka na lang sa iba. 2k na babayaran ko sa iyo. May buffer naman ako sa package price.

Me: Yey! Wag mo nalang ako bayaran. Wala nalang akong utang sayo. (Roughly 1.9K)

Mom: Sige na nga.

Then I finally understood her response to my email years ago. I realized, also because of recent events, how different me and my siblings are: our personalities, our struggles, our thresholds... and that I should NEVER even think about comparing myself to them because our mom is tailor-fitting herself for us but loves each of us just as much.

I realized that the only reason I thought I didn't get the help I needed was because I was too arrogant to ask. That asking her to quit working so she could take care of my kids was a selfish act because not only will it hinder her from pursuing her personal dreams, but it will also prevent her from earning her own money that she'd use for enjoying life and supporting her loved ones.

I guess I'm having this epiphany also because it's the same way I am with my kids and I didn't realize it for the longest time. I leave Isabella to sleep on her own because Serene needs me to nurse. I leave Isabella to play on her own because Isabella and I had our time and it's Serene's turn now. I leave Isabella alone most of the time because Serene needs me more now. I help Serene proactively because she can't usually verbalize what she needs while I'm confident that Isabella can and she should if she really needs something. It's all the same with my mom and siblings, just not the same difficult situations yet but it'll get there someday.

Mi, I'd like to let you know that I understand you completely now and I appreciate you now more than ever. I'm sorry if I've said or done anything that has hurt you or offended your motherhood. I pray that God continue to bless you with good health and provision. Love you.

your every woman,

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Blessed with Isabella

I would like to dedicate this post as a shouts-out to my eldest daughter, Isabella who is the most responsible, understanding ATE in the world.

Our most recent household help unexpectedly left us AGAIN! Well, we're no longer surprised that our household help never came back after her 2-week-long holiday vacation because that's how it is with our helps. It's like most relationships built on nothing - You suddenly realize that it's over and you keep asking yourself if there's anything about you, or anything you did wrong, but at the end of it all, they're just not that into you (errr, your household.). Moooving on...

So we're living away from our parents where it's near Isabella's school and without a help, we cannot depend on anyone else to stay in our house to care for our kids while we're working. It so happened that we just recently moved to a new workplace where we do not have the liberty of choosing schedules. Because of this, there would be at least an hour when the 2 girls would have to be left at home without an adult! Risky, I know, but there was nothing else we could do, so we talked to Isabella about our yaya-less routine plan and she was cool with it. In fact, when I woke up without an alarm and it was time for me to leave, I have heard Isabella rolling on her bed which indicates she was awake. She had expected her time of responsibility and all I had to do was whisper in her hear and she stood up, took her pillows and layed beside her sister! She even had the consciousness to take instructions like where the milk was and all that!

God is really true in His words. Some day, I know that He will give us the perfect setup where we won't have to choose between our means of living and our family, but until then, He blessed us with the Isabella so when times like these comes, we wouldn't have to worry that we won't have household help for the next couple of days... maybe weeks... or months... Thank you, Lord, for daughters like Isabella and thank you Isabella for honoring God and your parents by being the best ATE in the world.

your every woman,

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2015... Best year EVERR!!!

Before I completely close the year that was, let me take this time to remember how 2015 is one of the best years I've had in my entire life. Here are the highlights of this exciting and awesome year.

• January - I found out that tax exemptions don't happen real-time, so I ended up receiving a tax refund because of Serene's addition to our family. On the other hand, our beloved tita Tina died just a few days before her birthday. It was such a sad time for the family.

• February - We were able to successfully carry-out Serene's 1st birthday. I can say that it is one of the best parties we've hosted given a tight budget... Way more affordable than Isabella's 1st birthday.

• March - Serene was hospitalized for the first time but received the grace of healing, thank God. I experienced being a borrowed trainer for a different program within the company I worked for where I met a lot of great people and learned new things.

• April - We were able to send Isabella to swimming school and she actually learned how to swim! Oh I swear the time she spent in the water after her dive into the 10 ft pool for their graduation was the longest 10 seconds of my life! 
• May - This is when I started to feel a hole in my career. I felt unnecessary and started to rethink my career path. 
• June - This is the month when a bittersweet revelation about my paternal origins unfolded. To explain how bittersweet it is would require a really long post and would preferably be private, so I'm not gonna go there. Also, God blessed me and my husband with a new career opportunity, however, that same opportunity closed its doors for me almost as soon as it opened. It was one of the culminating events this year that I didn't expect would turn out to be the start of many blessings that year. 

• July - I completely allowed myself to indulge in the love of new family members and it was really a heartwarming experience. Now I have other homes to visit for the holidays!
• August - I started to take on a new diet and I failed. Turned out I cannot cut on food the way I did because I'm breastfeeding Serene. Oh well, back to my old self. Darn, this is my heaviest self!
• September - Drew and I were water baptized and it felt sooo good! We have a renewed faith and had a lot of realizations. 

• October - I was given apprentices to manage and I learned a lot. Not saying that I was already ok with how my career was going; It was actually the other way around. The emptiness just grows and grows and I was turning into a really ungrateful person. Still, God blessed me with a raise this month but I still sucked at being happy for some reason.

• November - From June to October I have experienced, in my perspective, what it meant when people say that life is unfair but it was only in November when I realized that what God really wanted to do was change me; heal me. I was hired at a new workplace! The same one that I thought closed its doors for me in June. I now have an entry-level, non-voice job in a BPO that serves a VERY prominent global company where my education had nothing to do about. It just amazes me how God can graciously qualify whom he calls and not the other way around.

• December - My 31st year of existence welcomed a new company, new friends, new knowledge, new dreams, new inspirations and a renewed heart. I am looking forward to more breakthroughs now that I am able to pursue what I really love to do in 2016. Here's to more blog posts, more hair and make-up experiences, a healthier figure and a better mom and wife.

your every woman,

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